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Immeasurably Abundant Loneliness
Dear Family and Friends,
I imagine what it must look like in your world. I am picturing fall colors. Crisp air. Long sleeve shirts. And jeans. It is cooling off a bit here in our world too. The other day my sweet neighbor was in a "fall mood" (even though temps are still in the mid to upper 80s and 90s) and dropped off a cupcake sized apple pie in honor of fall. We cut it into 4 pieces and it was such a treat! Apples here cost between 75 cents and a dollar a piece. So, we savored every morsel.
Last Sunday I wrote something that I was not sure if it was just for me to get on paper or whether it was for me to share with you. What I've decided to do is to edit it to a size that is appropriate to share and send it to you. My prayer is that God would speak to you through it. It will also give you an idea of how to pray us through a season that is a challenge for us.
Has God ever given you an "assignment" that you questioned or even asked Him to "take back"? I've found myself in this position over the past month. The assignment? Home schooling our kids in Nicaragua. I've been bargaining with God, asking Him either to release me from the call to home school our kids or to release us from this call to Nicaragua. I home schooled in the States too and I remember all of the support, all of the families who were home schooling, all of the activities that are available - just even things like libraries and parks. I've even found myself looking at home school group websites and longing to go back to the States to engage in such groups again. And yet, God keeps saying "No, this is what I want for you and for your family for this season." However, He does not say this without encouraging me and strengthening me and helping me. In this update, I will share a bit about this struggle and about how God is responding to it. We also ask you to pray for us in regard to this as we know that we are in the midst of a spiritual battle.
As I mentioned before, I home schooled our kids for a season while we lived in the US. When we moved here, both of the kids attended NCA. I remember how their first year was difficult in terms of making the transition here and finding friends. And I asked God then if His plan for them was for me to home school them (I so desperately wanted to rescue them after listening to them cry sometimes for hours). His answer then was "No" to home schooling. And later, I was so thankful that they stayed in school because they both found their place in their classes and did very well academically and socially. They also learned a lot about perseverance. However, after Rebekah's 5th grade year and Will's 4th grade year, I felt a restless in my heart regarding home schooling again and started asking God to show me whether He was calling me to another season of teaching our kids at home. And this time He said, "yes", in a number of different ways and there has been an abiding peace that this is His call. I ask the kids from time to time how they are feeling about being home schooled and both of them do consistently tell me that this is what they are wanting for this season in their preteen/early teen years as well (even though they do miss things about school too). At this time, we feel led to enroll them in classes at NCA sometime in the next few years (waiting on God to show us when the time is right) as we also recognize the value of our kids being in an environment where we can mentor them through challenges in relationships and managing the demands of school as well. We believe that both experiences are rich and valuable.
The call to home school has not been an easy call for me to follow. Dan, as you know, works at the school and we continue to have a lot of interaction with the school through sports; I serve on a committee; and I do continue to lead 6th grade devotions. However, I am not as able to be a part of everything that goes on there due to my need to be focused on what I am doing with the kids at home. There have been many times when people have questioned why we are doing what we are doing. At times I have felt judged. Other times I feel like I am on the outside looking in. And I can tell you that both times I have home schooled, I go through a soul searching process that leaves me feeling very weak and desperate for God. It is a time when God does deep work in me as well as in the kids.
This past week one of the kids asked to talk with me just before this child went to bed. The child confessed that they had been lying to me over the course of two weeks. This confession led them to a place of deep sorrow and repentance. I would have never known what this child had done, had they not confessed, and I was so thankful for how God had pressed into this child's heart to lead them to this place. I've actually never seen this child demonstrate this kind of courage when it comes to admitting that they had done something wrong. Nor have I ever seen them cry for 10 minutes as they released the burden they had been carrying for two weeks while I held the child in my arms telling them how proud I was of them. The child shared with me that during the two weeks they were lying to me, a devotion they read in the devotional book they are going through focused on the destructiveness of deceit and that this was one of the things that nudged them to tell me what was going on. I said, "Do you see how much your God loves you? You could have read this devotion weeks before this happened and it would have meant so much less to you. But, God made it so that you would read this at the very time that you were being deceitful because His desire was to draw you to Himself. He did this because He loves you so much and He wants the very best for you. Your God is a God who speaks to you just like that." The child said that they felt so much "lighter" after their confession. We talked about how this experience is one that they can build on from day to day as they learn to live a life of integrity.
Another day, I asked the other child how their relationship with a friend who had deeply hurt them was going. This child struggled a great deal last year with the pain of this hurt. The child said to me, "Oh, it is going really well." I was picturing this child talking with this person and enjoying their company. So, I asked if this was the case. The child replied that this friend still does not talk with them when other kids are around - especially popular ones - but that they have forgiven this friend and feel "new" when it comes to that relationship. I've observed this child with the friend and I do see a difference in terms of less guardedness and a willingness to engage. So, it has been encouraging to see God at work, transforming our kids in areas that have been areas of weakness or struggle for them in the past.
It is not just the kids that God is in the process of transforming. He is working on me a bit too. I mentioned earlier that home schooling leads me to a place of recognizing my desperate need for God. What it has felt like to me both times I've home schooled is like I am in the midst of an intense spiritual battle and I believe that I really am. There is deep spiritual work that is done during these seasons in both the kids and in me and there is opposition that happens in response to that. For the past 4 weeks, I have been struggling a great deal, but in the midst of this struggle, God is letting me know that He is walking with me. One night, a few weeks ago, just as I was feeling the battle heating up; I woke at 1:30 AM and felt led to read my Experiencing God lesson (I'm participating in an Experiencing God Bible Study with some neighborhood friends). So, I got up and went to the living room and read through my lesson. At the end of the lesson I once again sat in awe of God's leading and timing. The verse that I've been sharing with you . . . "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within in us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." was printed at the end of the lesson. I was overwhelmed once again with how God keeps speaking this promise to me at times when I am struggling. And it was so special to me how He woke me in the middle of the night to share it with me. I took Dan to work the next morning and on the way there, I shared with him about my experience in the middle of the night. When we got to school, he said, "I have something to show you." He opened his backpack and took out his "Read the Bible in a Year" Bible and told me that he had just started reading this Bible the day before. And then he pointed out the chapters he had read which included Ephesians 3:20 which was written in bold letters - "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within in us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." This is a promise I am clinging to for this year and am thankful that God keeps speaking it to me.
The hardest part about home schooling is that I feel "alone" a lot. I've been working hard to build community with people who are home schooling (which is really not that easy here as people are in and out of country and teams and very busy with ministry) and with those who have home schooled their kids in the past and are mentoring me and keeping me accountable from week to week. And yet, I think because of our close connection with the school and my inability to really engage with that school community like I have in the past - well, I just miss being a part of that community and miss being more a part of the ministry too. I miss hours where I can get lost in writing. I miss having lunch with friends. And I know that God knows all of that - all of what I think is best for me right now. But, His best is different than my best. And the other day He had a Word with me about that.
I walk around the NCA soccer field at 5:30 AM Monday, Wednesday and Friday and it is the time of the day when I cry out to God. I have started calling the soccer field my "Garden of Eden" because this time with God is characterized by walking and talking with Him in the cool of the day. So, one day I was complaining to God about how alone I feel in this call and how I wished sometimes that He would release me of this call. After a few minutes, His still small voice pressed into my heart with this question, "Do you remember Noah?" I started thinking about Noah and how he must have felt lonely and misunderstood and I wondered if he ever asked God to release him from his call. I pictured him building day in and day out with people standing around making fun of him, just not understanding that He was obeying God regardless of how ridiculous it looked. I don't feel that people mock me, but I have felt that some people question why we are doing this when we have a perfectly good school here for our kids to attend. A school, in fact, that we are called to serve. It seemed to me that God was saying, "Just as I called Noah to keep building day in and day out regardless of what the crowds of people thought of him and his family, so too I am calling you to build day in and day out into the lives of your kids regardless of what people think of you and your family. Please trust that I knew what I was doing then and that I know what I am doing now."
There was another day several weeks ago while walking around the soccer field that I spent several minutes crying out loud to God, "Lord, where are you? I feel so far away from you. Do you see me trying to get close to you? Do you see my effort? Do you see me trying?" And I kept repeating those last two questions over and over again in between sobs. After my half hour walk around the soccer field, I go to a ranchon which is located in the midst of beautiful flowers and palm trees and green, green, green. And I spend another 45 minutes with God reading His Word and listening to Him. I always start out by reading my "Jesus Calling" devotional book (by Sarah Young) and on that very day that I was crying out to God those two questions . . . this is what I read . . .
I meet you in the stillness of your soul. It is there that I seek to commune with you. A person who is open to My Presence is exceedingly precious to Me. My eyes search to and fro throughout the earth, looking for one whose heart is seeking Me. I see you trying to find Me; our mutual search results in joyful fulfillment. Stillness of soul is increasingly rare in this world addicted to speed and to noise. I am pleased with your desire to create a quiet space where you and I can meet. Don't be discouraged by the difficulty of achieving this goal. I monitor all your efforts and am blessed by each of your attempts to seek My Face. (These thoughts are drawn from Zechariah 2:13; 2 Chronicles 16:9; Psalm 23:2-3.)
I wonder if God leads us to lonely places so that we can hear and see and feel and understand how very not alone we really are. Because sometimes it is only in those lonely places that we are still enough to hear Him and to experience the deep joy of divine community. Immeasurably abundant deep joy.
It has been good for me to write these thoughts down. Thank you so much for listening, for loving us, and for praying.
Would you pray for protection in the battle and strength to press on and endurance to keep walking - for us as a family - as we follow this call to home school in Nicaragua? Thank you so very much.
Peace and love to you,
Lisa (Dan, Rebekah, and Will) Van Zoest
PS. See Pictures Below!
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