Dear Family and Friends,
We had a wonderful Christmas this year – an "immeasurably more" Christmas that I've been thinking has been the best we have had during the time we have been in Nicaragua. I see us growing in contentment, especially the kids, as they express so much gratitude for what they receive. As a Mom, I've become so much more relaxed about what Christmas "should" look like and am embracing a moment to moment appreciation for how God leads us into rich opportunities, things I have not planned or made happen. Dan said today that he has really enjoyed this break at Christmas and that he feels re-energized for the next semester. We've delighted in the laughter of our kids as we hang out with them and the stream of kids that are in and out of our home. It has truly been a rich time.
In our update today, I will describe where God has led me personally since my last email to you describing a struggle with God's call for me to home school our kids. It has been a difficult few months as I've struggled deeply, but also a very rich few months as God continues to speak into this struggle and help me to see glimpses of what He is doing in each one of us.
A couple of months ago, in the midst of the dark time I was experiencing, I said to God, "You keep telling me that you are the Immeasurably More God. But, I just don't see how you are at work in my life. I see nothing changing. I don't understand what you are doing." I was talking to Him while I was getting my coffee and breakfast and then I sat down to have some time with Him. I opened up my Experiencing God Bible Study and these were the first words I read, "I have found God always has far more to give me than I can even ask or think. Paul wrote, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever." This verse has come up so often during this Bible Study that even the women in my group are noticing this saying, "there's your verse again Lisa!" So, once again that day, God reminded me (just minutes after I doubted Him) that He is the Immeasurably More God and that who He is does not change based on what I see in my circumstances at the moment.
So, I continued to watch and to wait and to ask Him to show me what He was doing and kept taking the next step and praying and asking others to pray and falling down and getting back up and reading His Word and journaling and struggling and listening to the wise words of others and doubting and walking around the soccer field. And one day, I got an email from a pastor friend of ours who shared about how loneliness seems like it would be "normal" in my situation and that perhaps instead of "fighting it" I should "embrace it". The words "embrace it" just stuck in my mind and they brought some level of comfort and relief, but I really was not sure why.
A few weeks after receiving his email, I was walking around the soccer field and talking with God and a picture came to mind. The picture was of a sheep that was in a green pasture near a quiet stream. The sheep kept trying to run toward some rocky rapids upstream, but the sheep was being forced to lay down near the quiet water. Again, I felt peace, but did not know exactly what this picture meant. The following Sunday, we went to church and heard a sermon that was focused on the verse, Matt.11:28 – Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. The pastor described how a young ox is yoked with an older ox for the purpose of teaching the young ox to submit to the yoke. The young ox, however, will fight the yoke and will wear itself out trying to go its own way. I've heard this before, but when he reminded me of this truth, something clicked in my mind. The young ox is just like the sheep that will not lay down – they are both fighting to go their own way. But, the only way that they can find rest or peace is to submit to the yoke, to submit to the shepherd who is trying to make the sheep lay down. Only then will they find rest. And God's words personally to me were, "Lisa, please rest in this call to home school. Stop fighting me. Stop trying to run off to things that seem to you to be more exciting or that are easier for you to do. Receive what I've given you."
After the sermon was over, the pastor did something that is really not "normal" in our fellowship and he asked if anyone had a response to the sermon. I was not planning to say anything and waited it out for awhile until my heart starting pounding inside my chest. I shared with our church what God impressed on my heart during the sermon – I shared about the picture and how I felt God was speaking through it. And then I sat down and felt incredibly vulnerable. I've never shared something like that in front of an audience before. I felt this awkwardness after church with others – perhaps my own insecurity or others just not quite knowing how to respond to what I said. I spent the rest of the day regretting what I had shared and then even doubted that God had really even spoken to me at all. Perhaps I had made it all up. But God, in His very tender mercy reassured me the next morning through His Word. I picked up my reading in 1 Peter and one of the verses that I read that day was this . . . "For you were like sheep going astray but now you have returned to the shepherd and overseer of your souls." 1 Peter 2:25
And this is what it has felt like to me over the past 4 weeks . . . like a returning . . . a returning to being a sheep who is submitting to the Shepherd. I also feel an internal shifting away from the drivenness that comes so naturally for me to a longing for rest from moment to moment in the presence of my God and in the presence of others. Perhaps I'm learning to "embrace" what I am given and not what I think I need. There is rest in an embrace. There is safety and security in an embrace. There is joy in an embrace.
Maybe that's why Christmas was so great for me and for my family this year. We laughed. We enjoyed moments together and with others. I planned very little which allowed room for God to lead us into so many rich experiences. We rested. We embraced.
Peace – the kind of peace that Christ came to give us – really can be found here on this earth. But, I'm learning that peace is so connected to rest – rest of heart and soul and body and mind. And in order to truly rest, I need to fully trust the One who can give my soul rest.
I pray that you have experienced the peace of Christ this Christmas and that your 2013 will be filled with peaceful moments of rest with Him and with others. And thank you so much for praying for me during this time. God is doing deep work in me and in our family and prayer is vital. Thank you so very much.
One specific way you can continue to pray is just that I would continue to rest - in heart, soul, body, and mind. And that I would trust God to be my Strength. My struggle with home schooling is not with our kids. They have both adjusted well to a much slower pace of life and will often thank me for home schooling them during this season of their lives. They have lots of friends in the neighborhood and others who come over and activities at the school and in the community that they can be a part of. We are able to engage more with the community now that we do not have homework in the afternoons. It seems that my role during this season of their lives is to support them in learning about who they are and who God is and to give them opportunities to experience what it means to serve Him and develop relationships with those that they are serving. The battle I fight is with myself and my tendency toward perfectionism and my love for lots of activity and people in my life. God has called me to a season of denying myself and my agenda and I've never found this to be easy.
God has been so gracious, however, as He has been meeting my relational needs in several different ways. I've been enjoying a Bible Study (the Experiencing God study) with 4 of my neighbors that meets at my home each week (we share leading the lesson and we meet on my porch so no stress there). I am also meeting separately with 5 other women who have home schooled their kids - 3 of them monthly and two of them weekly - to help me to stay accountable with what I am doing academically and they also encourage and challenge and listen to me talk things through. These friendships are growing deep as a result of my need and this too is a beautiful answer to prayer. In addition, I've organized a group of home schooling families who meet once a month to take field trips to different places in Managua. We have enjoyed this a great deal. So, God is at work in so many ways to support me and equip me for what He has called me to do. We are so thankful for how you pray us through the rough times. This gives us great comfort!
Peace and love to you,
Lisa (Dan, Rebekah, and Will) Van Zoest
PS. Below are some pictures of one of the ministries the kids and I are involved with in the community.
